Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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