RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize