The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
