Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
