she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You ruined the universe
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