My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
