i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
