I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
