was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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