Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
