My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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