Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i drank out of a bidet.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
