Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
