Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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