And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
