He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
