Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
