I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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