If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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