bring money and cleavage
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
