I accidentally had phone sex last night
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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