You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
