you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
