Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize