The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
