You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
