just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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