Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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