like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
