Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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