sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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