When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize