hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
this hospital has no fireball
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
