Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
