how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
