I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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