I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I love you. Go after that dick
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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