im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
we should paint friendship bongs
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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