Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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