is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
