Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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