Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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