I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
