I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
