I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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