life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
