She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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