im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
