wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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