I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
