Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
