you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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