Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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