i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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