he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
