I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
