no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize