Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
