Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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