and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
