She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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