Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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