i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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