He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
