When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
