I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize