I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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