why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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