update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
